August 18, 2009 Discussion with Peter Ernest Haiman, Ph.D.

Peter Ernest Haiman, Ph. D. was kind enough to speak with us about motivating and rewarding children. For more than four decades, parents have met with Dr. Haiman to resolve child and adolescent rearing problems. His work in this area has received national recognition and been featured in local newspaper articles. Visit his website at www.peterhaiman.com to learn from an extensive set of child-rearing articles.

He told us that many parents miss the opportunity to encourage their children because they are too often focused on immediate needs and behaviors rather than the long term needs of the child. In his article The Self-Disciplined Child he says,

“Parents miss the mark when they focus attention on their child’s misbehavior. Like a detective, you must look carefully for the underlying causes. Ask yourself, 'What needs motivated my child to act this way?' Then examine the behavior from all perspectives. 'Was my child tired, hungry, or bored? Are the developmental needs for trust and autonomy being met (from my child’s point of view)? Is my child receiving adequate affection, attention, and recognition?' Using detective skills, you can usually uncover the frustrated normal developmental need or needs that gave rise to the misbehavior. Knowing this, you can prevent the establishment of negative behavior patterns.”

Children who are listened to and encouraged in their interests will develop the skills of initiative, cooperation and teamwork, boundaries, problem solving and perseverance. Children will expand these skills by spending time with others, modeling their behavior and through normal trial and error.

You will be of greatest influence if you express your love and interest.

“Express your enthusiasm. The magnetic influence of parental excitement can be used to good purpose. For example, to encourage the enjoyment of books, you might share your own excitement while reading stories. By enthusiastically calling attention to a picture, you can inspire your child’s interest in it. Parents who consistently show they are interested in and excited by a valued activity also generate and sustain their child’s interest in it. Of course, authenticity is important for success. Your interest needs to be real. Going through the motions of being excited won’t inspire your child’s interest. Children readily detect phony efforts.”

At Kid-Rewards.com we think that rewarding your child can be a tangible expression of your enthusiasm but it should not replace your emotional expression of pleasure with your child.

Dr. Haiman also stressed the need for parents to foster intrinsic rewards. He cautioned that extrinsic rewards are shorter term and in cases where children are frustrated or angry with parents extrinsic rewards will not be welcome or productive. If your child is not receptive to receiving rewards from you there is a concern that anger and frustration may be interfering with your relationship. Dr. Haiman publishes his phone number on his website. If you think you might need professional guidance consider contacting him. He has a special interest in promoting child custody attachment parenting and aiding with child custody visitation.

At Kid-Rewards.com we also want to encourage parents to foster and expand their children’s interests by offering them new experiences. To the extent we can help you connect with and pay more attention to your children’s interests we know we will be moving in the right direction.

We expect to add some helpful resources as a result of Dr. Haiman’s suggestions. He told us that parents working together can provide many helpful ideas and suggestions so we will be adding a calendar of meeting times and places for parent support groups. We will also be adding links to organizations that provide mentoring and skills development services appropriate for children from ages 4 to 12.

As we progress, we hope to schedule webinars to let experts, like Dr. Haiman, share their expertise with you.